Confession.
I’m frustrated. I suppose that can be the confession, but it goes deeper. Frustration is perhaps just the byproduct of the confession. Actually, I pretty sure of it.
If you have been following me the last couple years, you know my story. I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia back in August of 2022. I went through heavy rounds of chemo. The first round put my blood cancer in remission. The second round completely bomb my immune system in preparation of the Stem Cell Transplant I received in December 2022. If you were to combine my hospital stays from the start to October of 2023, I spent a total of just over 3 months in the hospital at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Institute. To total up oncology appointments would take way too long to add up. I am thankful beyond measure that I am still in remission, the transplant is doing what it needs to do, I’m hitting milestones like a champ, the prognosis is great.
As a part of my story, you also know there was about an 8 day hospital stay where I was confined to my bed because of the Steroid Myopathy that developed in my legs and core that left not being about walk, let along stand for more than a few seconds. To be honest, that period was the hardest part of the whole journey – mainly because I am still trying to recover from the adverse effects it has on my body. I had in-home physical therapy to help me learn how to balance and walk again. While things are improving, there are still a few things I struggle to do that prevents me from working outside the home. A 9-5 simply won’t work for me right now. Rena and I are tremendously thankful for the Lord’s provision and how He had impressed upon the hearts of friends and family who have helped us financially. I can’t begin to express how thankful I am for those who have loved, supported, and prayed for us AND are continuing to do so. We are so FAR BEHIND on sending Thank You Cards that it’s overwhelming at times.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. I love you so much! You may also be waiting for the confession or cause of frustration I’ve been working through or – as one of my go-to counsels with would tell me, that I’m beating myself up over. Well, let me put it to you with a verse from God’s Word,
“Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation.
The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” – Jesus (Mark 14:38).
So, here is my confession – the cause of my frustration…
Hi, my name is Eric J. Puschmann and I am WEAK.
My spirit desires so deeply, but my flesh is winning many of the battles.
Beloved, there is so much that fills my heart – my spirit. It’s a deep long from ministry, to writing, to speaking, and the continuation of PastorPusch.com which was so fulfilling prior to really knocked down last year, but my flesh tells me I can’t do it. Sometimes I can’t – or I’m at least limited a bit, and I understand that; HOWEVER, I know I’ve been giving the flesh too much credit AND I HATE IT. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. I hate that my flesh is so easily tempted to give in and cripple me. I hate the feeling of failure. I hate knowing that at the end of many days, I could have, NO, should have done better, done more, or done something (I confess). Yes, I need to have more grace for myself. There is a lot of truth to that – I certainly have more others than I do myself. I am my own worst enemy. I know things are improving and I know I need to take things a day at a time… BUT IT’S HARD. It’s crippling and defeating. My spirit is willing. But my flesh is weak. If you know me, I’m the guy loves the church, loves pastors, and loves ministry leaders from kid’s ministry to senior adults. I love talking with them, counseling with them, praying with them, dreaming with them, and hearing their stories about life and ministry and right now I AM NOT DOING MUCH OF IT AND IT HURTS MY HEART. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak.
Yes, on the bright side, things are improving, and I can do more, but I know I lack consistency (which again is frustrating). I even took on a new role at my local church – albeit volunteer, as the new Connections Minister. I LOVE IT and it’s just getting off the ground. I am so thankful for Pastor Allen and Pastor Jeff for the opportunity to serve alongside of them. I LOVE MY CHURCH! I miss deeply miss pastoring and preaching, but I am so thankful to be on staff at my local church. They’ve been awesome to me and my family.
Ok. I don’t want to leave you with just my issues. I want to encourage you with some reminders I have been coming back to…
1. I am weak.
2. God is strong.
3. God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness.
4. God is faithful. He’s never failed me.
5. He heals the broken hearted and binds up the wounded.
6. Without Him I nothing, but in Christ I have everything I ever need.
7. This too shall pass.
8. I love Jesus more today than ever.
9. I will not be defeated.
10. Christ is my Victory!
Finally, I love you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for your continued love, care, prayer, and support. God has blessed me with such an incredible support team and beautiful friendships. I give God all the glory.
“Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your name give glory, for the sake of Your steadfast love and faithfulness.” – Psalm 115:1
YOU ARE LOVED,
Pastor Pusch
