Was It Enough?
(WARNING: RAW AND UNEDITED)
Was It Enough? Honestly, I Just Don’t Know.
I hope so. Could it have been better? Yes. Did you try? I think so. Was your heart in it? Absolutely. Did you do enough? Honestly, I just don’t know.
Those were just a sampling of the thoughts that circled my mind last night as I watched my first-born walk across the stage to receive her High School Diploma. How did we get here? We got here by way “flying time.” I mean just yesterday we brought her home from the hospital, dropped her off at the Eller’s (in-home day care), started at her Elementary School, Middle School, High School, and now High School Graduation. How did it happen so fast? It was “flying time.” Moments that moved more quickly that I would have ever imagines. Looking back, even the slowest times were zipping through time.
As I sat there during her High School Graduation (waiting for the letter ‘P’ in the alphabet), my heart sank, my eyes filled up, and my emotions were a corkscrew. Where did the time go? Did I “Dad” right? Did I do enough – or more than enough, really – to prepare her for this moment in time. Did I help her prepare for the next steps? Was my being a dad, dad enough? Now, I don’t know if this is a right answer, but in my raw state and my ability to simply write transparently, “I JUST DON’T KNOW.”
I hope so, but I don’t know. Could it have been better, YES… I think that’s true for just about anything we attempt in life. What I can say is that my heart was definitely in it. I love this girl beyond words – even in her mystery (or at least the things she things we don’t know or see). In her mistakes and mine – there is no question that this father’s heart is flooded with love and a profound measure of thankfulness to the Lord for giving her to us. She was the first to call me daddy, the first to melt my heart, the first to buy a dress for, the first try to me, the first to forgive, the first to ask forgiveness, the first to watch grow up. AND, as I write this, it’s easy for me to beat myself up and think perhaps I’ve failed – not for a lack of trying, but maybe because of the unknows that lie ahead – what this life brings her way and the choices she will make. I so desire the best for her and more.
Yesterday, during Graduation Sunday, a part of my challenge in the sermon from Nehemiah 4 was for to learn more in how to “PRAY, PREPARE, AND TRUST THE LORD FOR THE RESULTS.” This may sound senseless, but as I sat at the Graduation Ceremony last night, literally surrounded by thousands of people (it was held at the MTSU Basketball Areana) and all the noise they bring, little did I know HOW challenged I would be by the message THAT I PREACHED. Frankly, I could have been the only person in church yesterday and that sermon would have been just for me. Here’s what I mean. In my approach to preaching, I don’t bring to the table that which hasn’t first challenged me. I’ve always been that way. So in preparation for the message yesterday, I was moved and challenged in the studying and writing process and I feel like the sermon went well Sunday Morning. What I didn’t anticipate was being hit with it again Sunday evening during the Graduation Ceremony. Like in the game Battleship, it was direct hit on my heart in the sea of the thousands who were in attendance.
In wrapping up these thoughts, all I know to do now is to pray, prepare, and trust the Lord. When it comes to my oldest, I will continue to pray for her, do what I can to prepare her, but in the end, I must trust the Lord with what he has given me. I pray the Lord will continue to do a work in her, help her realize what matters most, and help her base ALL her decisions on those truths. I must trust the Lord – WHO IS MORE THAN ENOUGH – to be enough for her. I must continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will speak clearly to her amid all of life’s noise and distractions. Above all else, I pray that she would fall in love with Jesus more than anything or anyone!
“Lord God, thank you for the gift of life, for creating Jovie, and giving her to Rena and I to love and raise up in the life. It wasn’t until I became a father that I began to understand more of what it means to have you as my Heavenly Father. The love a parent has for their children is truly immense and incomprehensible. Lord, as a father, I beg that you would continue to whisper in her ear and scream loudly in her heart – that you love her and continue to desire a relationship with her. Holy Spirit, guide her thoughts and let her know you are near and that she is never alone. As she journeys into this next phase of life, keep her close, protect her, and help her think of you first before making any decisions. Surround her with people who genuinely love her, desire the best for her, and point her always to Jesus. Sooth this daddy and mommy’s heart. Where we are concerned and unsure, grant us peace. But, most of all Lord, capture Jovie’s heart and captivate her mind. Keep her close and help her – as I know you will – hold on even when she feels as though she is losing grip. Hold on to her Lord and hold her tightly. I love you Lord and I love my Jovie. These things I do ask and pray in the name of our Lord Jesus – You One and Only Son. Amen.”
Unedited,
Dad
