Pastoral Betrayal

A few weeks ago, I began writing an article on “Pastoral Betrayal” (this post right here), but after a sudden death of a dear friend, I wanted to put out something on the topic of “Greif” – you can read it here: GOOD GRIEF. After that I felt tugged to write about “Suffering” as it seems that in the last two weeks, I have had several conversations with people who are just “going through it” and – as most know, I am dealing with my own set of medical setbacks that have brought life to a much slower pace. So, I wrote a small two-part series on some lessons we can learn from Job – you can read those here (if you’d like): GOOD, BUT NOT EVIL and MY REDEEMER LIVES.

This week, I hope to give you another 2-part series on PASTORAL BETRAYAL and PASTORAL LOYALTY. Sadly, I have more conversations with church leaders about “betrayal” than not. I have my ideas behind the betrayer than the pastor being betrayed, but that would a whole other post that I simply don’t want to – It’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to” (maybe one day, but it centers around selfishness, consumerism, unrealistic expectations, and a lack to really get in the mud). I’ll hit on general ideas concerning the betrayer, but this post is manly about steps to take when dealing with Pastoral (Church Leader) Betrayal. One more thing before we get started. It’s sad to me how the steps dealing with grief are so greatly applied to dealing betrayal because it often feels like we’ve lost somebody – and in a way, we have. So, let’s get on with it.

It truly is sad the number of conversations I’ve had with church pastors and leaders about betrayal… more than anyone would like. Sadly, it’s a common thing. People you think that will stick with you for years and would always have your back and support (not that they never disagreed, but they understood the stakes), turn around and out of nowhere, they tell you they’re finished. However, we all know that it wasn’t out of nowhere. It was planned, because instead of coming to talking you about their itch, they sit on it, bottle it up, and it comes out as “we’re leaving, we’ve been thinking about it (among ourselves and little side-conversations with others in the church, but not you), our minds are made up, and we’re leaving. (What’s worse is that when the decision is made, they go semi- (or “secretly”) public about it and begin to discourage the others, but those usually come from the suspected players who still betray, but you’re not really surprised. Make sense?). Stunned, the pastor sits there, takes it all in, and left wondering, “what in the world just happened.” I think many leaders feel that way… at least in my conversations with Pastors of small and big churches.

(I remember when I first started pastoring, a wise veteran pastor told me two things: 1. People always leave – even the ones you completely unsuspected or you thought were your closest allies will leave. 2. I’d rather have someone give me a black-eye and tell me the truth about their leaving or tell me I’m the worst pastor in the world, than feed me a bunch nothing – especially the classics: “we’re not being fed” or “it’s not you, it me.”)

 For the pastor, he sits in sorrow – discouraged in his heart, but also knows he must stand before the rest of the congregation as a leader. Yet, in the depths of his heart, he grieves as he feels betrayed and abandoned – those are they cries of his heart and the literal tears of his face. A relationship(s) he thought was nourished and indestructible over the years, has come tumbling down in a manner of seconds. Those he shared his inner most heart with – his failings, areas he needs help, family issues, church needs, sacrifice – has left him feeling like it was all for naught. He may even feel foolish for allowing some people to become so close. He blames himself and he grieves.

So, what are some things Pastors and Leaders (or anyone for that matter) can do to help get you past the betrayal. Here are some thoughts:

1.    Don’t Isolate Yourself or Bottle Your Emotions

This is one of the EASIEST things you can do, but the WORST thing you can do. You have trusted friends, family, and mentors of whom you can reach out to for help (even professional counseling if needed). They can help you process your emotions, speak true and life to you, and be a support in your time of hurt. When you bottle your emotions, they will eventually explode and you don’t want that… it makes everything worse and you will probably say and/or do things that you’ll not only regret, but also put other great relationships at risk.

2.    Don’t Seek Revenge

It may seem or feel natural, BUT… First of one, seeking revenge goes against the teachings of Jesus. Second, vengeance is not your job. Third, grace and mercy go a long way to heal the heart, soul, and mind. Fourth, it makes you no better than anyone else. Fifth, it’s not worth it!

3.    Don’t Allow Bitterness to Eat at You

Much like number one, be self-aware. Watch out for the seedlings of negativity in your heart. They will only bloom into bitterness if not rooted out. Bitterness will eat at you like a cancer and rob you of the comfort, joy, and peace of Christ. Set your mind on the joy of the Lord. He is your refuge and strength! Practice forgiveness. You many never get the answers or apology, but that’s not on you. Forgiveness is and their freedom in forgiveness.

4.    Don’t Let Betrayal Define You

Like my wise veteran Pastor said, people always leave. You are not defined by the those who betray you. Your life and ministry are defined by God and God alone. Betrayal doesn’t define your worth or your faith. GOD DOES and He has given you a great mission and purpose. Don’t lose faith in what God has called you to do. NEVER forget WHO called you! Stay true to your calling! Sometimes that is the only thing that keeps you in the fight! Stick with your spiritual disciplines of prayer, bible study, meditation, communion, and the alike.

5.    Don’t Forget Jesus

Go back and read through the gospels and see where Jesus was betrayed. He was betrayed by the world, His own people, His own disciple, and others. No doubt Jesus experienced more betrayal than we could possibly imagine – He is still being betrayed to today. Friend, if people betrayed Jesus, they will betray you.

Pastor/Church Leader/Friend in Christ, you’re going to be ok. I promise. The waves of the defeat and emotions will pass. God is faithful. He will never betray you. You can count on Him to be an “ever present help in the time of need.” Seek others out who can help you process your emotions and get you back on equal footing. Many pastors experience the same issues. You are not alone. One of the best things I’ve ever done was to join up with some local pastors in the area and we’re like our own support group! These men mean more to me than they could possibly know.

If you’re going “through it” (betrayal or whatever) or just need someone to talk to, pray with you, and encourage you, PLEASE, by all means reach out HERE and I would love to set up a video conference with you! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE LOVED!

For His Glory,

Pastor Pusch